Sam Toad
Many people now living in Monagami come from big cities originally and, finding a place where they could fit in, decided to stay. For the most part, they are welcome. Except for that guy Sam and his really loud girlfriend. Man, they could have stayed back where they came from. I mean really, who brings their own chairs to a party?. What, they think we don't have chairs, like we're some bunch of rural hicks who haven't discovered how to sit down yet? And when somebody says 8pm it means 8pm, not like 10pm. That may be fashionable in the big city where everyone is so fucking hip and everything, but here, we have to get up and go to work, okay? And then Sam's girlfriend, I can't remember her name, I think it was Edna or Ella or something, goes in and wakes up the kids! And drools all over them and slops her drink on the carpet! I mean, she was obviously pissed when they showed up. Probably always pissed from the look of them...
Other recent arrivals to Monagami may have come along the number 5 highway from Ottawa. Ottawa is not very much further from Toronto, so the drive is not so bad. Unless you're in Sam's fucking car. So he announces to everyone, okay I'm going home now, and we're like, no way, Sam, you're too drunk But I guess he knows best, so Mick and Stacy decide to go with him and try to get the keys away from him but he starts yelling and Mick and him are ready to go until Stacy snatches the keys out of his hand and throws them in our pond. Which is fine except Ella wades in to look for them and starts stepping on little Petey's turtles which start floating up to the surface. Ella starts crying and falls over and we have to haul her out before she drowns, the stupid bitch! And get this... she's wearing a wig!
From the west, along Hwy. 26, perhaps you have driven from a western province, Manitoba maybe. If there's one thing we know about in Monagami, it's how to show a good time to our Western neighbours. After all we're almost Westerners ourselves! Nothing spells a good time like beef off the barbecue! Except when you eat half the fucking burgers yourself and leave onion and relish all over everything in sight. We thought we made it plain on the invitation, you're supposed to bring your own steaks. The burgers were just for the kids, alright? As it was there weren't enough to go around and Myrna had to go to the store to get some hotdogs because the burgers were all sold out on account of the long weekend. And they don' t have any buns so she crosses the street to go to the Dominion and gets hit by a bus! I drive her over to Mercy General Hospital and she gets operated on by Matt Cutter, MD (who actually delivered little Petey) and now I hear they're getting married. What a night.
Well, the point is no matter where you're from, you're welcome here. Mostly.
by Richard Wiener
(Editors note: We asked Richard to write a few words about Sam because nobody knows Sam's actual history and he refused to be interviewed for the article)
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