Around the Horn:
The Sporting Scene in Monagami
by Bob Uppendown
Monagami ‘s Triple A baseball team, “The Monagami Muskrats” went 9 and 116 last year , but made the playoffs because “The Eldridgeville Eagles” best player, Mickey Wetsner was arrested for sodomy and the whole team was suspended. The Muskrats then went on to win the pennant over “The Smokeville Barons” 4-1 in the final. This coming year, The Muskrats open the season in their new stadium, “ Swiss Army Knife Park”, a few blocks south from the Double D Diner. Season tickets are still available. Call Cindy at the Paris Hilton Library for information.
“The Monagami Moose” also open their CFL debut season next year. The Moose have never played football before, don’t know the rules, and only have 9 men, but it should be an exciting start to a promising season. Come down to
“ Off Bug-Spray Stadium” and be a part of the action! No open-sores allowed after 6:30 pm.
Buddy Budger, former 1965 Wimbledon Champion will open his “Tennis Camp for Disenfranchised Youth” on August 9 th, 2012. Registration is $95 dollars for the week. Please bring your own racket and lots of baby oil.
The Monagami Marathon will commence at 8 am on Friday August 17 th at Blind Man’s Curve, just south of Dead Man’s Walk and east of Deaf Woman’s Torso.
Former Monagami Blackheads’ player Ivan Lottaluv has been indicted in a gambling sting and sentenced to 5 years in Monagami Prison. He was found guilty of charges that he bet on Blackhead hockey games while biting the heads off live roosters.
Monagami Horsefly forward Neil Obrigano narrowly misses a header for what would have been the seasons only goal.
Looks like Monagami weight-lifter & Olympic hopeful, Lazlo (Lefty) Abvich will have to go back into training.
Monagami Moose QB, Garrett Jones, takes one for the team in his first pre-season exhibition game.
... IF IT CAN BE BET ON, WE PLAY IT!